via Buzzfeed
♫ Lather, rinse, repeat…as needed ♫
Songs are ranked and measured on a scale of 0 to 5 smelly cats.
Disclaimer: “Smelly Cat” is the ultimate Phoebe Buffay song and the measuring stick against which all other Phoebe songs will be rated.
40. “The Woman Smelled Like Garbage”
♫ It wasn’t just that she was fat,
The woman smelled like garbage.
Everyone!
It wasn’t just that she was fat,
The woman smelled like garbage. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1/2 out of 5
Why? Because it’s kinda mean and you kinda feel bad for that person she’s singing about. And…it’s so not like Phoebe to be subtly mean-spirited.
39. “Trapped in the Hospital Closet”
♫ And they found their bodies the very next day,
They found their bodies the very next day,
La la la, la la la, la la la…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1 out of 5
Why? It’s a great way to wile time away when you’re stuck in a closet but it’s just a little morbid and a teeny bit creepy. However, anything Phoebe sings is awesome.
38. “Emma’s Birthday Song”
♫ Emma,
Your name poses a dilemna,
‘Cause not much else rhymes with Emma.
Maybe the actor Richard Crenna
(He played the commanding officer in Rambo)
Happy Birthday, Emma! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1 out of 5
Why? Props to Phoebe for rhyming Emma with Richard Crenna because I checked and it’s true… Not much else rhymes with Emma.
37. “Crusty Old Man”
♫ And a crusty old man
said, “I’ll do what I can,”
And the rest of the rats played maracas. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1 out of 5
Why? The one point is for “crusty old man” and for including “rats playing maracas.” A fun diddy for an evening out, it has some potential to become big in the future.
36. “Double-Jointed Boy”
♫ …was the double, double, double-jointed boy. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1 out of 5
Why? It’s such an interesting line that it makes it unfair that we don’t know what the rest of this song is. Talk about piquing your curiosity.
35. “Mother’s Ashes”
♫ My mother’s ashes, even her eyelashes,
are resting in a little yellow jar.
And sometimes, when it’s breezy,
I feel a little sneezy, and now I…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1 out of 5
Why? This is a little scary. The kind of song that will come back to haunt you in your dreams… It’s one of Phoebe’s broodier songs for sure!
34. “Fetus”
♫ Are you in there little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will…buy you some Adidas. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1½ out of 5
Why? Fetus is a hard word to rhyme with. Points for singing it upside down because that ain’t easy either.
33. “Terry”
♫ Terry’s a jerk!
And he won’t let me work!
And I hate Central Perk!
You’re all invited to bite me! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 1½ out of 5
Why? Because Terry is a jerk and we completely get that, but by creating a song for him, she’s just giving him more undeserved attention.
32. “Best Day Ever”
♫ Aahh, aahh, aahh…
When the sun comes up,
Bright and beaming!
And the moon comes…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2 out of 5
Why? This is a fantastic song to wake up to every morning, no doubt — but it can get old, fast. Especially on a dreary Monday morning.
31. “Don’t Take No”
♫ Bum bum bum
Don’t take no for an answer!
Bum bum bum
Don’t let love fly away!
Bum bum bum bum bum bum…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2 out of 5
Why? It’s a cool, catchy song and all, but it isn’t the best advice. While it may have worked in reel life, there’s no guarantee of its real-life effects.
30. “Colors”
♫…and fuchsia and mauve.
Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2 out of 5
Why? Because she found 66 colors in her bedroom!! That’s seriously impressive.
29. “Sticky Shoes” (Phoebe’s phlegmy, sick version)
♫ My sticky shoes,
My sticky, sticky shoes,
why you stick on me… baby. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2 out of 5
Why? Sticky shoes is funny, but it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. She does manage to get a good gravely edge on it, though, which brings it to 2 smelly cats.
28. Holiday Song (first rendition)
♫ Happy Hanukkah, Monica.
May your Christmas be snowy, Joey.
Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross.
Spin the dreidel, Rachel! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2 1/2 out of 5
Why? This was just a test run to Phoebe’s real holiday song. It’s not as funny as the final rendition but it’s a classic that can’t be missed on this list.
27. “Whenever I Get Married”
♫ Whenever I get married, guess who won’t get to sing?
Somebody named Geller and somebody else named Bing! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2½ out of 5
Why? I mean, the sheer passion and frustration behind the song makes it worthy of 2½ smelly cats.
26. “Another Thing You Don’t Wanna Do”
♫ There’ll be times when you get older
When you’ll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But don’t.
‘Cause that’s another thing
That you don’t wanna do
Everybody!
That’s another thing
That you don’t wanna do. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 2½ out of 5
Why? This song applies to both adults and children. It’s one of those songs that encompasses a very important ideal that can get a little weighty.
25. “Argentina”
♫ And there’s a country called Argentina,
It’s a place I’ve never seen.
But I’m told for 50 pesos,
You can buy a human spleen,
Human spleen. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3 out of 5
Why? Great melody, interesting lyrics, but a tad bit on the icky side.
24. “She Just Stayed and Stayed”
♫ We thought Phoebe would leave,
but she just stayed and stayed.
That’s right, I’m here all night,
and Chandler will never get laid. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3 out of 5
Why? It’s honestly one of my favorites: It’s catchy, it’s laugh-out-loud funny — all in all, it’s fantastic. However, Phoebe does have some other stellar tunes, so this one gets 3 smelly cats.
23. “Chandler”
♫ First time I met Chandler
I thought he was gay,
But here I am singing
on his wedding day. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3 out of 5
Why? When Phoebe sings about her friends, it’s always a hoot and a half. It’s also cool how the running joke about Chandler being gay is incorporated in song.
22. “Monica”
♫ Twelve years old and addicted to pork,
No one thought Monica would marry.
She knew her way around a knife and a fork…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3 out of 5
Why? LOL. Poor Mon. Phoebe’s songs about both Chandler and Mon definitely touch a very real nerve even though they are insanely hilarious.
21. “Two of Them Kissed Last Night”
♫ There was a girl, we’ll call her Betty
And a guy, let’s call him Neil
Now I can’t stress this point too strongly…
This story isn’t real.
Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly?
Or will it be the one who we’ll call… Loolie?
He must decide, he must decide,
Even though I made him up, he must decide! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3½ out of 5
Why? Phoebe’s songs are about realism. And this is one of her realest songs. What’s awesome is that through this song she helps Ross make a difficult decision.
20. “I Play for Me”
♫ When I play, I play for me
I don’t need your charity
La lalala lalalalalalala
lalala lalala lalalalalalala….♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3½ out of 5
Why? These lyrics are perfect for if you feel wronged about life. You can just get all your rage out and then get back to being normal.
19. “Tiny Tarzan”
♫ Little tiny Tarzan,
Swinging on an nose hair,
Swinging with the greatest of ease…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3½ out of 5
Why? Gives you a whole new perspective on Tarzan, which is what Phoebe’s songs do. They always focus on giving the listener a different, more interesting take on life and love and everything in between.
18. “Papier-Mâché Man”
♫ I’m, I’m still waiting for my papier-mâché man. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3½ out of 5
Why? We are all still waiting for our papier-mâché man. Great context, lacks in lyrical length.
17. “Heart Attacks”
♫ It only takes two heart attacks
to finally make you see
one of them won’t do it
but the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger
it’s time to say good-bye
and that is just what I will do
as soon as those bastards I work for die!
La lalala lalalalala la, lalala lalala la la…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 3½ out of 5
Why? Work can be a touchy subject, singing about it may help make things more bearable when you don’t particularly like what you’re doing. It’s a 3½ type of song.
16. “Sometimes”
♫ Sometimes men love women
Sometimes men love men,
And then there are bisexuals
Though some just say they’re kidding themselves.
La lalala lalalalala la
La la lalala lala la la ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5
Why? There’s a reason why the kids call Phoebe “the singing lady who tells the truth.” One of her stronger truth-based songs, this one is a little controversial, but that’s what makes her such a unique artist.
15. “Snowman”
♫ I made a man with eyes of coal
and a smile so bewitchin’.
How was I supposed to know
that my mom was dead in the kitchen?
La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5
Why? For those familiar with the music of Phoebe Buffay, it’s well-known that her music comes from the depths of her heart. It’s what defines her. As an artist, it’s the tragedies that have shaped her life. This song serves as her stepping-stone to greater things.
14. “Jingle Bitch”
♫ Jingle Bitch screwed me over!
Go to hell, Jingle Whore!
Go to hell, go to hell,
Go to hell-hell-hell. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5
Why? It’s one of those pieces that gave strength to those who had been messed with and cheated on by someone they trusted. In the lyrics, people found solace and comfort, learning that they weren’t alone in this.
13. “Babies”
♫ They’re tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
and soon they’ll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they’re yelling at you and you don’t know why,
and you cry and you cry and you cry.
And you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5
Why? This is the song that has served as an instant source of birth control since it came out.
12. “My Man”
♫ You don’t have to be awake to be my man.
As long as you have brain waves
I’ll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day,
there’s something I have got to say…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4 out of 5
Why? This song may have come out in the ’90s but it is still relatable today. Twentysomethings everywhere know the struggle of finding someone — and we’ve all reached a point when we decided that we’d take anyone as long as they had brain waves.
11. “Grandma”
♫ Now, Grandma’s a person who everyone likes,
She bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn’t been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died and some day you will too.
Lalala LAlalala LAlalala LAlalala La La La La
Lalala LAlalala LAlalala LAlalala La La La La ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5
Why? No other song in the history of music has touched upon humans’ mortality the way this one has. It spoke to people of all ages, making them stop and really think about living and life itself.
10. “The Cow in the Meadow”
♫ Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
Now, chickens! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5
Why? Let’s just say that if there was any song that shook up people’s reality, it was this one. Up until then people were woefully unaware of the “hows” and “whats” of meat in America.
9. “Sticky Shoes” (sung with Leslie)
♫ My favorite shoes, so good to me, I wear them every day.
Down at the heel, holes in the toes, don’t care what people say.
My feet’s best friends, pals to the end, with them I’m one hot chicky.
Though late one night, not much light,
I stepped in something icky.
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile.
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll avoid the pile. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5
Why? While Phoebe’s earlier rendition of “Sticky Shoes” is interesting, this is a lot stronger. The harmonies and the depth of the whole sticky-shoe dilemma really hits home. Rest assured, this will be your go-to track when you put on your favorite shoes.
8. “Holiday Song” (from final rendition)
♫ Went to the store, sat on Santa’s lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
He said, “All you need is to write them a song.”
Now you haven’t heard it yet, so don’t try to sing along.
So don’t sing along.
Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy.
And Rachel and Chandler, [mumbles some nonsense that rhymes with “Chandler”].
Happy holidays, everybody! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 4½ out of 5
Why? It has crap, Santa Claus, and snow. Basically all the trimmings to be a great holiday song. The mumbling part at the end adds some pizzaz as well. While it can’t compare to Mariah Carey, it’s still pretty freakin’ stellar.
7. “Ode to a Pubic Hair”
♫ I found you in my bed!
How’d you wind up there?
You are a mystery,
Little black curly hair!
Little black curly hair!
Little black, little black,
Little black, little black,
Little black curly hair! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5
Why? This song changed an entire generation’s conversation to make talking and singing about pubic hair more mainstream and acceptable. It’s said that Phoebe Buffay was that person who opened up a whole new world for the “Little black curly hair” to come into its own.
6. “Goats are Parading”
♫ Parading, goats are parading,
parading down the street.
Parading, goats are parading,
leaving little treats. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5
Why? This is another personal favorite. It embodies a beautiful, folksy, indie quality that is hard to ignore. Its simplicity is what makes it such a wonderful track, worthy of its 5 smelly cats.
5. “New York City Has No Power”
♫ New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La-laa-la-la-la-la… Oooh ooh ooh ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5
Why? When Phoebe wrote this song, vegans everywhere rejoiced. Yes, it was about NYC losing power, but it also gave vegans a platform to talk about staying away from dairy with Phoebe as their spokesperson.
4. “Shower Song”
♫ I’m in the shower and I’m writing a song
Stop me if you’ve heard it.
My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet,
and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
Lather, rinse, repeat
and lather, rinse, repeat
and lather, rinse, repeat
as needed. ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5
Why? After this song was aired, it echoed from literally everyone’s showers. No one could stop singing it. Today, if you listen really hard, you can still hear the strains of the song coming out of a shower somewhere.
3. “Your Love”
♫ Love is sweet as summer showers
Love is a wondrous work of art
But your love, oh your love,
Your love is like a giant pigeon
Crapping on my heart. La la la la la…♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5
Why? When your heart is broken, it really does feel like a giant pigeon taking a shit on it. This song encapsulates it perfectly. ‘Nuff said.
2. “Crazy Underwear”
♫ Crazy underwear, creepin’ up my butt.
Crazy underwear, always in a rut.
Crazy underwear….♫
Smelly Cat Rating:
Why? This song is so good it hurts. It’s cheeky and goofy and relates to everyone. I mean, who here hasn’t had underwear problems, am I right?
1. “Smelly Cat”
♫ Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat it’s not your fault…
They won’t take you to the vet.
You’re obviously not their favorite pet.
You may not be a bed of roses,
And you’re no friend to those with noses.
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault! ♫
Smelly Cat Rating: 5 out of 5
Why? It’s the ~granddaddy~ of all Phoebe Buffay songs.
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams
Good Music. Good Life. 